Chateau Marmont Bungalowed
When I away to Marmont went
L.A. L.A. L.A.
I flagged a stallioned chariot
to carry me there where Sunset sits.
Draw bridge down across I crossed
L.A. L.A. L.A.
Ushered in by phantom men where
stilettoed feet meet lowered hems.
Wood lobbied chairs in deep I sank
L.A. L.A. L.A.
And drank soft ice in leaded glass
tongue sifting slow the cut of class.
Into their Nile stars bungalowed
L.A. L.A. L.A.
Packed rainbows they as fortune's guests
room serviced sleep, though not rest.
posted by Scheherazade | 8/16/2006 04:02:00 PM
8 Comments:
Wow... Loved the form. La la la...:>)
This has a lot of verve and bounce and except for the inversion of syntax in the first lines actually reads very well. I would rewrire "hazel eyes" and pack some more punch into that. Best with the rewrite if you are indeed going to atempt that. A fun poem otherwise!
PM: yes. fa la la la la la. and allez allez allez! my bittersweet homage to Los Angeles. thanks for stopping by.
Cherie: thank you for your insights. i'm always whittling away at my poems. more offline than on. a bit neurotic in this regard. and your observations are welcome. thanks again.
This was fantastic to read aloud. I could feel the rhythmic pulse of these words turned into a song.
"room-serviced sleep only, not rest." Something about that line strikes a chord. That could be the mystery of the bungalow.
Wow. Seems the sunset sits somewhat uneasy but not alone. So much going on and great rhythme.
Ô¿Ô: I did the very same thing! It sounded like a song to me. Even when the first line came to me (not changing it for nothing; I rather like the inversion and the way it sounds orally/aurally)...that first line is what started it all...then reading a poem on bouganvillaea (which always trigger L.A. thoughts)...then a Shag painting with the Chateau backdrop...though the last stanza needs work...i'm liking the revised stanza more and more...love "room serviced sleep" but it does slow down the tempo...but then, it is the end...thanks for coming over!
Ozyman:thank you again and again. feel free to tell me when something sucks. really. even if it's anony. i always listen. may not apply it. but i do listen.
I love the rhythm of this poem like riding on a chariot "where Sunset sits..."
Danny: Thank you Danny! Me too. Yes the first line is what came to me and set the rhythm for the entire piece. Thanks for visiting!
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